What a Croc!

NO THEY ARE NOT!!!

In fact, after you celebrate say your sixth birthday Crocs are no longer acceptable footwear outside your garden. Ever. Under any circumstances. Even if your home is ablaze, they're sitting by the nearest exit and all other shoes are upstairs.

I'm going to give the six and under crowd a pass. 1.) You don't pick out your clothes anyway so it's not really your fault and 2.) I can understand their appeal as they're easy to put on and take off, inexpensive so your parents aren't investing much on growing feet, and simple to clean - just hose 'em down. But as soon as you can count six candles on your birthday cake it's time to retire them for something a little less plastic.

The rest of you should know better. It is not okay for a 38-year-old to wear Atlanta Braves-themed shoes. Not even if you are en route to Turner field. Even the more understated solid black or brown models are still hideous. Fashion isn't everything to everyone but no one has to settle for ugly.

Many of you Crocsies will argue how comfortable they are. Well, I wouldn't know as I've never let one near my feet, but are they comfortable enough to warrant actually wearing them in public? My house slippers are heavenly but I don't wear them out to dinner.

In addition to their comfort, the gospel according to Crocs, inc. touts their extreme light weight, their ventilation system that keeps feet cool, and their "ultra-hip Italian styling," as well as a few other bells and whistles. Now, I don't know about you but all the normal, non-ugly shoes that have crossed my path have never weighed so much that they hindered my day-to-day activities. And my feet generally maintain a comfortable temperature on their own so a personal air conditioning system in my footwear just seems unnecessary. Lastly, I've been to Italy; there were no Crocs.

So ladies, gents, children over six, next time you're headed out the door and reach for your Crocs or are shopping for new shoes and some Crocsie pressures you to join him on the dark side, please look past all the podiatrists' testimonials, advanced features and the attractive price tag. Look past these things and directly at the shoes. They're not a pretty sight are they? Look a little ridiculous, huh? I beg you. Keep Crocs off our otherwise clean, attractive streets...or prepare to be mocked.