Lessons Learned by a Football Fan's Wife

Living in the deep south means that after God and family only one thing reigns supreme - college football. Now I just checked my own personal list for verification, and just as I suspected there are quite a few things that rank higher than football in importance. But to avoid excommunication I go through the motions and cheer when everyone cheers, dress my pets in Auburn gear on game days, and agree that the Tigers must stretch the field vertically with its outside receivers to open up the underneath routes, the screens and the running game...whatever that means.

I have grown to enjoy some parts of this Saturday ritual, but even after drinking the Kool-Aid for many (many) years Auburn football still doesn't trump a proper fashion show swag bag in my mind. But marriage teaches you things. Just as Carl has learned the importance of Vogue's September issue, I've learned that Auburn in HD fails in comparison to seeing them in the flesh. And so follows a few other things I've learned in the almost two years of marriage to a footballer.

1. Ask before you invite. Although we females enjoy viewing our favorite sporting events (Oscars, Emmys, MTV Music Awards) surrounded by hundreds of our closest friends, oddly, males don't necessarily want to share the big game with them. Some prefer to experience game day solo - so they can blurt expletives and throw chicken wings at their flat panel without judgement.

2. As a person with an appreciation of aesthetics I naturally have a love for fashion. Carl calls it an obsession, whatever, pre-med/pre-law. Anyway, I've learned that kick-off isn't the time to ask your husband's thoughts on 3/4 vs. opera-length gloves. The only thing you will successfully accomplish is raising his blood pressure.

3. Your husband doesn't care (especially during an extra point kick) that the "HeatGear" technology in the team's uniforms, designed to keep players cool and dry in extreme heat, is similar to the moisture-wicking fabric found in a brand of pajamas for menopausal women.

4. If you walk softly and carry a case of your husband's favorite beer he'll be much more inclined to hand over his credit card, sign off on Botox or agree to give you half of his already minuscule closet space.

5. Football season is the best time of year to recover your dining room chairs, purchase new draperies or paint the entire exterior of your home (just don't touch the room that houses your hubby's favorite TV). Your beloved will be so wrapped up with game day he won't even notice the changes until well into February and by then you will have them paid off.

6. It's considered in poor taste, unAmerican even, to suggest your spouse sell his AU/LSU tickets for a hefty profit so you can buy fabric for new throw pillows for your living room sofa.

7. If there is ever an overtime situation it's best to avoid conversations that begin with: "What do you want (insert dog's name here) to be for Halloween?"

With the better part of a football season ahead of us I'm sure there is lots more to learn. Stay tuned...